Project Pink Flamingo
by Red Witch
Summary: When Archer is off on one of his 'secret' missions, the rest of the agency has a mission of their own. Surviving Krieger's latest crazy invention!


**Once again Krieger ran off with the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. This is what happens when you wonder what the others do when Archer is off on one of his 'secret' missions. In particular Operation Hot Dog.**

 **And then you have some caffeine before realizing there is nothing good on television. Throw in some references to real life CIA failures, pop culture references, and reading an article on Disney World's Discovery Island and wondering why it was really shut down. And why no one goes there.**

 **I ended up with this…**

 **Project Pink Flamingo **

Over the years Lana Kane had seen many weird, strange and often downright bizarre things as a spy. Sadly the majority of them happened in the agency where she worked at. And involved the people she worked with.

Today was no exception.

As she stepped off the elevator she was stunned at the sight before her. "Oh Dear God what weird fresh hell is this this now?"

All over the office bullpen were dozens of pink flamingos. They were on desks. On the floor. On chairs. One was hanging from a light bulb on the celling by its beak somehow.

"What's with all the pink flamingos?" Lana asked aloud.

"I'm not really sure," Ray said as he walked up to her. "Either Pam or Cheryl's idea."

"Not Archer's?" Lana was surprised.

"I don't think so. He's not even in today," Ray shrugged.

"WHO THE HELL IS RESPONSBILE FOR THIS MESS?" Mallory Archer's bellowing enraged voice was heard. "WHO THE HELL PUT THESE DAMN BIRDS IN MY AGENCY?"

"Uh oh…" Both Lana and Ray sighed at the same time.

"All right! Who did this?" Mallory stormed out of her office glaring at the scene around her. "Who is the lunatic who decided to recreate an Alfred Hitchcock scene? Strike that! A **gay** Alfred Hitchcock scene!"

"Actually this seems more like John Water's style," Ray looked around.

"I go into my office to take care of some business for a few minutes then I come out to this! Do you have anything to confess Miss Gillette?" Mallory growled.

"Don't look at me!" Ray protested. "I just got here. Besides this looked like it took all night and I have way better things to do with my nights than to pull a stupid prank like this."

"More like better **men** to do," Mallory scoffed.

"Ditto," Ray glared at her.

Mallory huffed. "You have a point."

"About the men?" Lana asked.

"About the prank! This is rather juvenile. Obviously that lets Lana and Cyril out as well. So it's either Sterling or Pam or Cheryl…" Mallory said.

She was interrupted by an ear piercing scream. They turned and saw Cheryl in horror starring at the flamingos.

"AAAAAAAHH!" Cheryl screamed. "THE FLAMINGOS! NOT THE FLAMINGOS! THE OSCRICHES WERE BAD ENOUGH BUT THIS IS WORSE! GET AWAY!"

"Maybe it's not Cheryl?" Ray quipped as Cheryl ran off.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Cheryl was heard screaming. "THE FLAMINGOS ARE ATTACKING AND ARE GOING TO KILL US ALL! THEY WANT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! AAAAAHHH!"

"All right. That crosses her off the list," Mallory sighed. "So by process of elimination…"

"Holy Sparrow Snacks!" Pam emerged from the elevator with Cyril. She was eating a bear claw. "What's with the John Waters remake of The Birds in our office?"

"So it wasn't **you**?" Lana asked Pam.

"No, but I gotta admit it's a pretty ballsy prank," Pam snickered. "Maybe Cheryl did this?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Cheryl was heard screaming.

"Uh no," Ray shook his head. "Not likely."

"So if it wasn't you, or Cheryl or even Princess Powderpuff over here," Mallory gave a disdainful look at Ray. "The only logical choice would be Sterling. Obviously he's moved on from those ridiculous phone pranks to an even more annoying medium."

"Uh I'm not so sure," Cyril gulped as he pointed at the birds. "I think I saw one of those birds moving!"

"What?" Mallory blinked. Suddenly the birds started to move and blink.

"Oh right… There were no flamingos when I came into the office so…" Mallory realized. "So if these weren't put here overnight then…"

"They're robots!" Lana gasped.

"Robot flamingos? Who would make robot…?" Mallory began. "And even as I asked the question…"

"I believe there's another suspect we've overlooked," Ray remarked.

"KRIEGER!" Lana, Cyril and Pam shouted.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeess?" Krieger emerged with a grin on his face. "Oh there are my flamingos! I was wondering where those guys ran off to."

"I should have known…" Mallory groaned. "What is the meaning of this?"

"The meaning of…? Oh you mean the flamingos?" Krieger asked.

"No, I mean the book Finnegan's Wake!" Mallory said sarcastically. "Never understood the hype."

"It's not exactly for everyone's tastes. But it does have some excellent examples of streams of consciousness…" Krieger began.

"Obviously I was talking about the flamingos you **idiot**!" Mallory interrupted. "Start talking before I have to start planning your **real wake**!"

"Oh right," Krieger nodded. "Behold the latest in spy drone technology!"

"Spy drone…flamingos?" Lana blinked.

"They only have eyes for you!" Krieger said cheerfully. "Get the joke?"

"Uh no…" Lana blinked. Everyone else looked confused.

"Oh for crying out loud! Study up on your rock and roll history people!" Krieger grumbled. "Anyway the possibilities are endless!"

"As well as the potential lawsuits," Cyril groaned. "Please tell me these aren't real flamingos that you converted into some kind of cyber bird!"

"Uh, most of them aren't," Krieger said. "Fifty percent at least. Okay maybe sixty five. At least not over seventy tops. Because technically the rest I grew in my labs and since they are technically flamingo clones…"

"Do I even want to know where you got these damn birds?" Ray groaned. "Or have I opened us all up as witnesses for the prosecution?"

"I know a guy," Krieger shrugged.

"Of course you do," Lana groaned. "So why did you make cyborg flamingos?"

"And opened us all up to at least three or four lawsuits," Cyril added. "And another angry lawsuit from PETA."

"Flamingo drones is my latest invention!" Krieger explained.

"And the latest reason why the members of the Bird Watcher's Association have placed a lifetime ban on my membership," Mallory sighed.

"Since when have you been interested in **bird watching**?" Ray asked.

"It's not the birds I was interested in," Mallory waved. "It was the wealthy eligible bachelors and upper class socialites that caught my attention."

" **There** it is," Ray groaned.

"And there went any chance of me getting an in with some of the true upper crust of New York Society, thank you very much Krieger!" Mallory barked.

"It wasn't all my fault and you know it!" Krieger protested. "I'm not the one who ruined that party you threw!"

"I admit that serving Peking Duck in orange sauce may not have been the most appropriate choice for a main course," Mallory sniffed. "And yes Sterling deflowering the Chairman's nubile niece in the hall closet also played a large part. But you just **had** to sing that Tom Lehrer song!"

"Poisoning Pigeons in the Park is a classic!" Krieger huffed.

"A classic way to ruin an evening with a bunch of bird lovers!" Mallory snapped. "And speaking of bird brained plots what are we supposed to do with these things?" She pointed at the flamingos.

"We can use them in the field in jungle or wetland environments to spy on targets," Krieger went on. "Or just stick 'em on target's lawns and spy on them."

"It's a good thing Sterling isn't here this morning," Mallory groaned. "The last thing I need his for him to have one of his hissy fits over the cyborg invasion."

"I'm more worried about Don Featherstone suing us for copyright infringement," Cyril remarked.

"I'm worried about what the CIA will do when they hear about this!" Mallory snapped. "Krieger have you completely forgotten the Acoustic-Kitty fiasco eight years ago?"

"Uh…" Krieger thought a moment. "Maybe?"

"Oh dear God you have forgotten!" Mallory groaned.

"Or he's a clone of Krieger," Pam spoke up. Everyone looked at her. "What? Like we all don't know **that's** a possibility!"

"Clone or not let me refresh your Neo-Nitwit Nazi noggin!" Mallory growled.

FLASHBACK!

"Gentlemen I'd like to thank you to the test run of my latest project! Project Acoustic-Kitty!" Krieger cheerfully stood in front of a chalkboard detailing cybernetic plans on a picture of a cat. There were several important looking men in the room as well as Mallory Archer.

"By using the common house cat and adding a tiny bit of cybernetic engineering we will be able to break new and exciting ground into spying!" Krieger pointed to the chalkboard with a pointer. "By adding implanted microphones into their ears, antennae and batteries along the spines and tails we can send these unassuming cats into enemy territory with no one being the wiser."

"The cats will pick up the conversations of enemy agents and beam the sound waves back to this recorder here," Krieger pointed to a huge machine. "I've already sent the first test subject out into the field. Right in front of the Russian Embassy. We have some hidden surveillance cameras already linked up so you can watch the project."

"Now all I have to do is send a tiny electric impulse to the cat to direct it to the gates of the embassy…" Krieger fiddled with the controls.

"MRRRWOOOOWWWW!" The cat was heard screaming.

"Wow look at that sucker go!" Krieger said. "Guess I overdid it on the juice huh?"

"MRROWWWWW!"

"BEEP! BEEP!"

"Agent Top Cat! Watch out for that…" Krieger realized what was happening on screen.

SCREEEEEEE!

SMASH!

"Taxi…" Krieger winced. "Ooh…That's not good. Wow. There goes twenty million dollars down the drain."

"Oh Christ…" Mallory winced, knowing she was in deep trouble.

FLASHFORWARD!

"Do you have any idea how **embarrassing** that incident was for me? Not to mention how many lucrative missions from the CIA it cost!" Mallory shouted.

"It's not my fault the damn cat got run over by a taxi!" Krieger snapped. "How was I supposed to know there was so much traffic in front of the Russian Embassy?"

"Yes it was! You should have trained that cat better!" Mallory shouted. "Or to at least look both ways when crossing the street!"

"That would have been a good idea wouldn't it?" Krieger blinked.

"It was a stain on our agency's reputation that still sticks to us today! And it was years before the CIA decided to trust us with another mission!" Mallory shouted.

"Oh you mean the mission with the selling of cocaine for the CIA so they could trade arms to San Marcos so they could get a budget increase?" Lana mocked. "Because we all know how well **that** turned out!"

"Can we skip back from Flashback Friday and deal with **this?** " Ray pointed at the flamingo drones in the office. "Krieger are you sure these things are under your control?"

"Uh probably?" Krieger asked.

"Oh I do not like the sound of that," Cyril winced.

The birds started to move and squawk. Their eyes started to glow bright red. "That is not a good sign," Krieger gulped. "We should run now."

"Of course we should," Cyril moaned.

Five and a half minutes later…

"We should never let Krieger out of the lab!" Cyril wailed as the members of the still unnamed agency took refuge in Krieger's lab.

"Good thing this lab doubles as a panic room," Krieger said. "I installed those steel reinforced doors right after we moved back in."

"Very lucky," Ray groaned as beak shaped dents in the doors were formed. "Now what do we do?"

"I'd say blow them up but for some damn reason Krieger made those things bulletproof!" Mallory growled.

"I was trying to save money in the long run," Krieger shrugged.

"Instead we have to try and save our hides!" Ray groaned.

"Yeah. I just hope they never figure out that their beaks can shoot lasers," Krieger frowned.

"Why would you make them be able to shoot lasers out of their beaks?" Ray asked.

"Well what good is a cyborg flamingo if it can't?" Krieger asked.

"He does have a point," Pam agreed.

"I hate you all so much..." Cyril moaned.

"Don't worry. Look Archer should be coming in at any moment…" Lana began.

"Yes once Sterling gets here…" Mallory began. Then she remembered. "Oh wait no! He's not coming in! Damn it!"

"WHAT?" Everyone shouted.

"Let me guess," Lana groaned. "You sent him on a little secret CIA 'errand' didn't you?" Lana made quotes with her fingers.

"You **know** about those?" Mallory gasped.

"Yeah but we don't really care," Ray admitted. "As long as Archer's out of the office we're good."

"Figures. The one day I actually **want** him to come into work…" Cyril grumbled. "If only to be pecked to death by cyborg flamingos!"

"Birds of death are pink not black…" Cheryl was in the corner in a fetal position rocking back and forth. "Pink not black…Just like the Gypsy Lady said!"

"You really gotta stop going to her," Pam said.

"Or we should start to see what kind of trouble will spell out for us every day," Cyril groaned.

"And today trouble is spelled F-L-A-M-I-N-G-O-S!" Ray grumbled.

"I thought it was F-L-A-M-I-N-G-O-E-S?" Cheryl spoke up.

"Me too," Pam realized.

"The latter one does sound more correct," Mallory admitted.

"Actually they're both the correct spelling of the plural of flamingos," Cyril spoke up.

"So it goes both ways?" Pam asked.

"Just like Pam," Ray quipped.

"Yeah just like me," Pam nodded.

"So how do we get rid of those damn things however they're spelled?" Lana spoke up. "Krieger don't you have some kind of control panel or…?"

"Oh yeah! I do! It's in my van!" Krieger said cheerfully. "Oh…"

"Oh God that's how I'm going to die…" Cyril groaned.

"What about those cybernetic cats you used to have?" Ray thought. "You had like fifteen of them! They might do something!"

"Probably but I don't have them anymore," Krieger said.

"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.

"You told me to get rid of them remember?" Krieger gave her a look.

"Since when do you actually listen to me?" Mallory snapped. "So what did happen to them?"

"Uh…"Krieger began.

FLASHBACK!

"Go my pretties! Be free! Be free!" Krieger opened the cage and let loose the cats into a wooded area somewhere. "MUAH HA HA HA!"

"MRRROWWW! MEOWW! MEOW!"

ZZZAPPP!

"SQUEEEEEE!"

"Wow giving them lasers in their eyes made them really good hunters," Krieger admired his handiwork. "Look how well they fried that squirrel!"

FLASHFORWARD!

"I…don't know…" Krieger blinked.

"I'm going to pretend that's a legitimate answer," Mallory grumbled. "Damn it I hope Sterling accomplishes his mission for on time for once! But knowing him…"

"He went to a bar first didn't he?" Ray gave her a look.

"It's not like it wasn't on the way!" Mallory snapped. "Ugh…Speaking of which is there anything to drink in here?"

"You really want to drink some of **Krieger's** concoctions?" Ray asked.

"They're good!" Cheryl spoke up. "I drink some!"

"Yeah he makes some pretty good…" Pam began when she looked puzzled. "Does anyone else hear that weird dramatic music?"

"Ignore it. It's not essential to the plot anyway," Cheryl told her.

"Oh that got me worried for a moment," Pam nodded.

Ray looked at Mallory. "I rest my case."

"You have a point," Mallory admitted. For the first time in her life the urge to stay sober outweighed the urge to have a drink. "Great. On top of it all now I have to stay sober all day!"

"Not necessarily! I still have some South American Muscatine juice," Krieger said.

"The Crazy Fruit Kool Aid that got us all plastered out of our skulls? No thank you!" Mallory snapped. "I'm still paying for those calls I drunk dialed. Not only did they hurt my standing in high society I may have to pay damages to my ex-boyfriend Burt Reynolds!"

"Damages?" Cyril asked.

"Apparently drunk dialing is a violation of the restraining order he put out against me," Mallory admitted. "And is a violation of stalking laws…"

"I didn't drink any," Lana said smugly.

"OH SHUT UP LANA!" Everyone else shouted.

"Ever since you had that stupid gross germ baby you've become even more of a Debbie Downer than usual!" Cheryl glared at her. "Not that you were that much fun to begin with!"

"Yeah Lana you're really milking the perfect saint angle on this thing," Pam groaned. "Like you're the only woman in the world to become a single mother!"

"I know right?" Mallory agreed.

"You know…?" Lana began.

"Y'all knock it off! We have bigger problems and we need to stop focusing on how annoying Lana has become," Ray spoke up.

"Ray!" Lana was stunned.

"Sorry darlin' but you have been a little more self-righteous than usual and considering the fact you stole Archer's sperm…" Ray began.

"Yeah!" Cyril spoke up. "You know I think it's ironic that you think you're too good for me but you had no problems stealing the sperm of a man who cheated on you even more times than I did!"

"Well you're not wrong," Mallory admitted.

"WHAT? YOU'RE ON **HIS SIDE**?" Lana whirled on Mallory. "You're the one who told me…"

"No I didn't! You have no proof!" Mallory contested.

"Oh there's a shocker," Pam rolled her eyes.

"I know right?" Cyril said.

"Mallory's own little Mini Me!" Cheryl said. "No, wait make it Mega Me because she's huge. And black."

"I thought I was the only one who noticed that?" Pam realized.

"Me too!" Krieger added.

"What exactly do you mean by that?" Lana asked.

"Think about it Lana," Cyril folded his arms. "You've been acting a lot like Mallory lately and quite frankly it's not a good look on you!"

"WHAT?" Lana shouted.

"You stole sperm and lied about who the donor was…" Cyril began.

"I didn't lie! I just didn't…mention who the father was," Lana fumbled.

"And who else in that room does **that** sound like?" Cyril asked. "You've also lied to your family for years about what you do for a living."

"You can't just tell your family at the dinner table, 'Oh guess what? I've chosen to make a career out of being a spy'," Lana barked. "And you're one to talk! I'll bet you haven't told your father anything about your life."

"Technically it's not lying if you just don't talk to each other," Cyril pointed out. "Not to mention you let Mallory bribe you into adding her name to your daughter's."

"Don't forget that fake kidnapping attempt she put Archer through a few months ago," Pam spoke up.

"That's right! I almost forgot about that!" Krieger said.

"How could you forget a shootout at the office?" Ray asked.

"Well it's not like that doesn't happen often," Krieger shrugged.

"Well how else was Lana supposed to test Sterling's fitness as a father?" Mallory scoffed.

"She's right. It was…" Lana began.

"An insane way exposing your child to guns, a potential shootout and trauma…" Ray began.

"Exactly!" Cyril nodded.

"Not to mention Archer got shot!" Ray barked.

"Well that part I don't object to," Cyril amended.

"Oh dear God **I am** acting like Mallory…" Lana put her head into her hands.

"You say that like it's a bad thing?" Mallory blinked.

"I'm half tempted to throw myself to the rampaging flamingos," Lana grumbled.

"They're not rampaging anymore," Ray realized. "I don't hear them."

"He's right," Krieger realized. "Hang on…"

"NO! NO! KRIEGER DON'T OPEN…" Everyone shouted as Krieger opened the doors to his lab.

There was nothing but a few stray pink feathers on the other side. "Huh? They're gone."

"But where did they go?" Lana asked.

"I dunno," Krieger shrugged.

A loud squawk was heard. They went to investigate to the office bullpen to find Milton throwing toast out a broken window.

"I don't freaking believe it…" Cyril blinked.

"Neither do I! Great! Now I have to pay for a broken window!" Mallory shouted. "And there's toast everywhere! On top of everything we're going to get ants!"

"Where did the flamingos go?" Ray blinked.

"I think Milton chased them away," Cheryl said. "Good boy!" She patted the toaster machine.

"I can't believe that stupid piece of junk is actually good for something after all!" Mallory grumbled.

"Wouldn't the flamingos have eaten the bread instead of flying away from it?" Pam asked.

"Flamingos don't usually eat bread," Cyril told her.

"I don't care what they eat as long as it isn't us!" Ray admitted.

"All right. This is what is going to happen," Mallory made a groan as she went to her office. "You lot are going to clean up this mess and never tell anyone what happened this day! For two reasons: One, I don't want the CIA to find out and be reminded of the Acoustic Kitty debacle!"

"Definitely not one of my better projects," Krieger admitted.

"Knowing the CIA they'd probably use it as an excuse to try and get me to refund the twenty million dollars they paid for that feline failure!" Mallory grumbled.

"And what's the second reason?" Cyril asked.

"So that Sterling doesn't go off on another one of his insane anti-cyborg rants!" Mallory snapped. "Although I must admit this time he does have one or two points."

"Yeah he can be kind of crazy when it comes to robots," Pam snorted. "Or anybody with robot parts."

"Tell me about it," Ray grumbled.

"I don't want Sterling distracted now that's he's finally making money for this agency," Mallory admitted. "So no one say anything about this to him!"

"It'll be easy to cover it up. There are a lot less feathers lying around than I thought," Krieger picked them up.

"Just clean up this mess," Mallory snarled. Just then the phone rang. She looked at Cheryl.

"What?" Cheryl blinked.

"Worst secretary ever…" Mallory growled as she answered her own phone. "Hello? Sterling? How…? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE IN **JAIL**? HOW DID YOU GET ARRESTED BY THE HARBOR PATROL?"

"And that is our cue to leave," Ray said.

"Last one at the bar is a cyborg flamingo!" Pam said cheerfully as the others left.

"HOW COULD YOU LOSE A BILLION DOLLAR MICROCHIP TO A **SEAGULL?** " Mallory screamed as they all left the building.

"I'm going home to my daughter," Lana groaned. "I'm in the mood for some **intelligent** conversation and right now an infant qualifies!"

Two days later…

"All right. Sterling is out on…a bender I assume," Mallory addressed the remaining staff in her office.

"Another 'secret' mission," Lana made quotation marks with her fingers.

"No, he really is skipping work and at a bar," Mallory groaned. "He's been so jumpy since his last failure. I can't understand why."

"What did you threaten him with this time?" Lana asked.

"Oh who remembers?" Mallory waved. "Seriously I don't really remember. I drank a lot of Glengoolie Hard Blue and some Absinthe so a lot of it is fuzzy."

"Uh huh," Lana sighed, knowing full well Mallory's tendency to have blackout drinks.

"I had some kind of plan to make money which I wrote down somewhere. Oh well that's not important now…" Mallory waved. "It's in my notes. I'll find it eventually. What I called you all in here was to discuss our little…bird incident the other day."

"We know. Never tell Archer, we got it!" Cyril groaned.

"That and I want to know where the hell did those damn things went!" Mallory snarled. "Again if the CIA ever finds out…"

"We're in trouble," Lana put it together.

"So basically now there's a flock of cyborg flamingos flying around loose somewhere?" Ray groaned.

"I think I know where they went," Krieger said. "I've tracked their location to Florida in an island right in the city of Orlando. They seem to have made their home there."

"Then I suggest we leave those damn things where they are and **never** speak of this again!" Mallory warned. "Especially to Sterling!"

"I'm more than willing to never bring up…" Cyril began. "Wait a second. Where **exactly** did you say those cyborg flamingos ended up Krieger?"

"Orlando, Florida. Why?" Krieger blinked. "Oh…"

"Oh indeed," Mallory groaned.

"This will not end well," Cyril winced.

Meanwhile on an island in a certain theme park in Florida…

"Where the hell did those stupid crazy flamingos come from?" A Disney park manager for Disney World shouted. He was covered in pink feathers.

"Sir they've completely taken over Discovery Island," A Disney park ranger also covered in pink feathers groaned. "I've never seen a species of flamingo so aggressive."

"AAAAHHHH!" People were running for their lives from a flock of flamingoes.

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

"Or that are capable of shooting lasers from their beaks," The park ranger gulped.

"EVACUATE THE ISLAND! WE'RE CLOSING IT DOWN!" The Disney Park Manager shouted.

"For how long?" The Park Ranger shouted as they started to run away.

"Until these birds leave! Which might be never!" The Disney Park manager shouted as a flock of flamingos started to chase him. "AAAAHHH!"


End file.
